Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dark Globe

Fun fact about my family; we have only one television. Usually, this doesn't matter, because one person can DVD on a computer and one person can watch something about dinosaurs on the TV and I can hide in the bathroom and do a crossword puzzle. But sometimes we come to cross purposes.

Tonight is such a night.

The kid spent the better part of today doing homework. She did it with something approaching grace (which can also look like the whining was kept to a minimum and away from my ears). As a reward, she got to watch TV on a Sunday night, something which doesn't always happen. She chose "Chased By Dinosaurs." Again. Because it's on Roku, she gets the TV. Because I'm sufficiently caught up on CGI's ability to recreate the Devonian era, I'm hiding in the office. But some part of me wants to do something I haven't done in years. Tonight, I long to see the Golden Globes.

I have no idea why. One of the smaller pleasures of giving up the entertainment industry was never having to give a @#!*% about the awards season again. And if you, as I have, decide that thinking spiteful, negative things about strangers probably isn't good for your soul, the awards season is best given a total pass. Years pass and the only reason I know the awards season has come and gone is that at least three times each spring I'm trying to get across Los Angeles and I notice there's a high percentage of limousines and they're ALL IN FRONT OF ME and then I remember there's an awards show that night. I keep my award-season blinders on and I like it that way.

And yet there's a remarkably credible primordial shark-thing swimming across my television screen which reminds me of certain actresses I've know. So I've gone online and I'm going to cherry-pick a few images I've seen of women dressed for the Golden Globes and comment upon them. I will begin this by saying that were I forced to dress myself for a highly-photographed event right now, not only would I be on the worst-dressed list, they'd create a new category for me. So I have no reason to judge. Which is why I shall now judge. But I'll always begin with the positive.

This is Julie Bowen, who is hysterical on a show called "Modern Family." In real life, Julie is the mother of three small children, including a set of twins, and yet has a lean, athletic figure. She's funny, successful and has the same fat content of a tofu burger. Now that we've established that, can we please discuss this color? This color is called "Greige." See? 'Cause it's grey and beige. Greige. It's been a hot color in nail polish among the in-the-know this fall. People who are in-the-know view wanting to be attractive as suburban and trite, choosing instead to be edgy and bedecked in a color last seen adorning the walls of an Army PX. I tried on three versions of greige polish; each time, I resembled someone dredged from the river after a few days. Some visionaries in the fashion industry decided the only thing better than bits of greige on the tips of our fingers would be an intermittently ruffly field of greige. History will prove them wrong.

Julianne Moore is a deservedly critically-acclaimed actress who doesn't, as far as I can see, inject her face with Botulism. She does, however, travel back in time and attend evening weddings in 1983.

Michelle Williams chooses to make wonderful independent movies, giving pitch-perfect performances. She has handled her private life with elegance and real grace. This evening, she has chosen to wear a tablecloth from a bridal shower. And look! Greige! Draining the color from another hapless victim!

And speaking of tablecloth, wasn't it nice of the Golden Globe people to give us a picture of how they're folding the napkins at each place setting... oh, sorry, Jennifer. You just really, really look like a giant folded napkin with a napkin ring around your waist. But may I note that you're a television perennial who could probably buy and sell me and were, we're told, the muse for the song "Your Body is a Wonderland"?

Leighton Meester, you are very popular and on a show everyone was very excited about for a while. You are now in a movie and people indicate you can both act and sing. If you can dance-and I have no reason to believe you cannot-that will make you a triple threat, like Liza Minnelli, Rita Moreno or Tommy Tune. Your dress, however, is from the "Big Love" collection. And I would be remiss if I didn't note it was greige. You have entirely different coloring from the last two victims and yet you also appear somewhat unwell.

Elisabeth Moss is wonderful on my favorite tv show, "Mad Men." She...actually, I don't know that much about her. Let's assume I can also commend her on never committing art fraud. However, she chose to wear a bias-cut dress which has turned her into a marsupial. I understand bias-cut dresses can't be fitted, but was there no other dress in all of Christendom? Did she owe the designer a favor? Should I be commending her on her loyalty to a friend? Also, she probably never committed art fraud.

Eh. At least it's not greige.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perfect. I rather liked the whimsy in Michelle Willaims' dress, but I agree with your take. And that is why I think you have excellent taste, of course.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I commend you for not commenting on the hairstyle choices of several attendees, such as Scarlett Johannson, Annette Bening and Al Pacino (who seems to share a stylist with Annette). (Yes, I'm not even going to mention HBC because at least she *committed* to her look from head to toe.)

Also? You should've found a shot of HBC on the red carpet with who we all (here at the GG viewing party we held on my couch and via telephone with friends who couldn't be with us in person) assumed to be her mother, who was dressed in the way we assume HBC will be dressing herself in another few decades. *That* was a great look, the pair of them.

Greige, eh? That perfectly describes the color of my daughter's skin moments before she announces she is car sick. Being a suburban, stay-at-home, minivan driving, Brownie troop leading sort of chick, I didn't know the name for that particular shade of sick. Your blog has been not only entertaining but also educational this evening. (Oooh, technically morning, actually, as the Globes ended around 11pm here on the East coast.)

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Robin Raven said...

Hilarious!!! I had to write a similarly themed article on assignment tonight, and had to watch a two-hour pre-show of this painfulness for the reporting. My article is so bland and boring compared to yours. This was so funny. :-) Well done!

10:04 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Julianne Moore definitely got top of the worst dressed list this year,imo. She even beats out Helena Bonham Carter because HBC *always* dresses like that.

I thought it was Jessica Simpson who inspired that song, but it matters not.

I thought the two saddest missteps were by:

Sandra Bullock, who showed up with an edgy new haircut and a dress suitable for a grandmother.

Scarlett Johansson, who almost always nails a fashionable, hot non-slut look and also stumbled into frump.

Imho, the top of Elizabeth Moss's dress is interesting enough that the rest should have been left plain. It's got a Deco look to it that I love...and then ugh.

There were a lot of fumbles in green tonight, including Angelina Jolie But Mila Kunis shows how it's done, and I think Catherine Zeta-Jones deserves overall title for best dressed.

It's true that there were some excellent dresses tonight, but CZJ nabs the title for the extra glam. Almost all of the well dressed people were unknown to me, while the stars seemed to bring more ugly dresses than I've ever seen in one place before.

Well, sorry to have hijacked your comment section. Particularly as it wasn't nearly as entertaining as your post, which I adored. Still getting the giggles over art fraud.

But I, too, was strangely called to look at the photos tonight when I hadn't done so in years. I believe it was all the ugly frocks calling to us. I'm almost afraid that there may have been a Stepford Wives/Body Snatchers phenomenon in play tonight. Those women couldn't have seriously looked in a mirror and thought it was okay to leave the house like that, could they?

I mean, could they?

2:05 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

Emerald green belongs in Oz and Oz only.

I'm just saying.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

@Rebecca Jennifer was indeed the muse for John Mayer's "...Wonderland"
Jessica was nicknamed "sexual napalm"

both lucky ladies, indeed...ahem

And Quinn, I love the flight your writing takes when you have something that you have to get out of your system.


6:39 AM  
Anonymous Paula said...

Watched the E broadcast of the red carpet, and I'm newly horrified at how much skinnier everyone is this year. WTF? HBC gets points in my book for looking relatively healthy compared to Julie Bowen, Angelina Jolie, et al. And Elisabeth Moss, who I thought looked better on the move in that dress than standing still. Everyone needs to eat some cheese burgers before they shop for clothes and then enjoy being alive!

8:22 AM  
Blogger Char said...

i thought greige was the color of my carpet, which i also hate.


9:36 AM  
Anonymous Bridget said...

I don't understand why so many chose to wear greige when there are so many other pretty colors. And Nicole Kidman is so beautiful, yet picks a dress the same color as her skin, she just kind of disappears.

2:02 PM  
Blogger lisahgolden said...

I'd forgotten about the show until the tweets started scrolling through. What you did here with your balanced approached is hilarious.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hilarious! I'm curious as to your thoughts on Ms. Bonham-Carter's choice in footwear, though. Of course, "Eh, at least it's not greige" may be the most polite thing one could say! :)

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Hearing Aids said...

I really appreciate your post and you explain each and every point very well.Thanks for sharing this information.And I’ll love to read your next post too.

4:17 AM  
Blogger torontopearl said...

I didn't watch the show, but your fashion commentary certainly brought me up to speed.
PEOPLE magazine should hire you for the issue when a bunch of designers/critics discuss and argue the finer points of "fashion" at these award shows.
You might've missed the chance for the Golden Globes, but there are always the Oscars...

5:42 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

The Julianne Moore post made me laugh out loud.

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh gad. Greige. There it is. It has a name. As the mother of a teenage girl shopping for a prom dress, I can tell you....greige is everywhere
and yes, makes the wearer look like she is playing the role of the victim on "Law and Order."

4:06 PM  
Blogger Scarlet said...

Excellent - I am laughing loudly.Have you thought of applying for a job with Joan Rivers? You would get my vote over that godawful Kelly Osborne who has as much dress sense as a gnat.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Rayna said...

Falling off my chair in hysterics at this post! WHAT were they thinking? Oh, I know - that was in the previous post.

Have just started your book and am in similar convulsions of laughter. Thanks, Quinn.

9:16 PM  

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