Dark Globe

Fun fact about my family; we have only one television. Usually, this doesn't matter, because one person can DVD on a computer and one person can watch something about dinosaurs on the TV and I can hide in the bathroom and do a crossword puzzle. But sometimes we come to cross purposes.

Tonight is such a night.

The kid spent the better part of today doing homework. She did it with something approaching grace (which can also look like the whining was kept to a minimum and away from my ears). As a reward, she got to watch TV on a Sunday night, something which doesn't always happen. She chose "Chased By Dinosaurs." Again. Because it's on Roku, she gets the TV. Because I'm sufficiently caught up on CGI's ability to recreate the Devonian era, I'm hiding in the office. But some part of me wants to do something I haven't done in years. Tonight, I long to see the Golden Globes.

I have no idea why. One of the smaller pleasures of giving up the entertainment industry was never having to give a @#!*% about the awards season again. And if you, as I have, decide that thinking spiteful, negative things about strangers probably isn't good for your soul, the awards season is best given a total pass. Years pass and the only reason I know the awards season has come and gone is that at least three times each spring I'm trying to get across Los Angeles and I notice there's a high percentage of limousines and they're ALL IN FRONT OF ME and then I remember there's an awards show that night. I keep my award-season blinders on and I like it that way.

And yet there's a remarkably credible primordial shark-thing swimming across my television screen which reminds me of certain actresses I've know. So I've gone online and I'm going to cherry-pick a few images I've seen of women dressed for the Golden Globes and comment upon them. I will begin this by saying that were I forced to dress myself for a highly-photographed event right now, not only would I be on the worst-dressed list, they'd create a new category for me. So I have no reason to judge. Which is why I shall now judge. But I'll always begin with the positive.

This is Julie Bowen, who is hysterical on a show called "Modern Family." In real life, Julie is the mother of three small children, including a set of twins, and yet has a lean, athletic figure. She's funny, successful and has the same fat content of a tofu burger. Now that we've established that, can we please discuss this color? This color is called "Greige." See? 'Cause it's grey and beige. Greige. It's been a hot color in nail polish among the in-the-know this fall. People who are in-the-know view wanting to be attractive as suburban and trite, choosing instead to be edgy and bedecked in a color last seen adorning the walls of an Army PX. I tried on three versions of greige polish; each time, I resembled someone dredged from the river after a few days. Some visionaries in the fashion industry decided the only thing better than bits of greige on the tips of our fingers would be an intermittently ruffly field of greige. History will prove them wrong.














Julianne Moore is a deservedly critically-acclaimed actress who doesn't, as far as I can see, inject her face with Botulism. She does, however, travel back in time and attend evening weddings in 1983.













Michelle Williams chooses to make wonderful independent movies, giving pitch-perfect performances. She has handled her private life with elegance and real grace. This evening, she has chosen to wear a tablecloth from a bridal shower. And look! Greige! Draining the color from another hapless victim!














And speaking of tablecloth, wasn't it nice of the Golden Globe people to give us a picture of how they're folding the napkins at each place setting... oh, sorry, Jennifer. You just really, really look like a giant folded napkin with a napkin ring around your waist. But may I note that you're a television perennial who could probably buy and sell me and were, we're told, the muse for the song "Your Body is a Wonderland"?













Leighton Meester, you are very popular and on a show everyone was very excited about for a while. You are now in a movie and people indicate you can both act and sing. If you can dance-and I have no reason to believe you cannot-that will make you a triple threat, like Liza Minnelli, Rita Moreno or Tommy Tune. Your dress, however, is from the "Big Love" collection. And I would be remiss if I didn't note it was greige. You have entirely different coloring from the last two victims and yet you also appear somewhat unwell.
















Elisabeth Moss is wonderful on my favorite tv show, "Mad Men." She...actually, I don't know that much about her. Let's assume I can also commend her on never committing art fraud. However, she chose to wear a bias-cut dress which has turned her into a marsupial. I understand bias-cut dresses can't be fitted, but was there no other dress in all of Christendom? Did she owe the designer a favor? Should I be commending her on her loyalty to a friend? Also, she probably never committed art fraud.














Eh. At least it's not greige.