Sunday, February 24, 2013

On the Cover of a Magazine

For months, the VOGUE magazines were published, I would page through them and I would grieve. Sure, there were stupid handbags, unappealing hairstyles and the occasional person described as something like an "Art Consultant" standing in her apartment wearing a Balenciage trenchcoat and holding a rasher of bacon, but VOGUE wasn't giving me the stupid the way it has in the past. Had Anna Wintour grown tired of mixing the surreal, the inexplicable, the unnattractive and the pink mascara? Were we fated to never stare at VOGUE as a community again?

And then the Beyoncé issue arrived, and I understood what I had feared was a fading vigor was merely Anna replenishing her insane vision. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, VOGUE roars back, stronger and less interested in being attractive than ever.

I know what your first question is: Quinn, are we still wearing big stupid hats? Well, sure. A Big Stupid Hat is a classic, like a navy blue blazer or tattooing your earlobes. But the more fashion-forward are wearing their Big Stupid Hats with uncovered lampshades:

The haunted look is extra.

Speaking of a haunted look, try not to stare at this model directly, as I believe her glance kills within 72 hours.

So, besides a skirt which can double as a light fixture,

what else is new?
I think we're all excited to learn what is the hottest hairstyle for spring and summer: The Lady Combover.

On an unrelated note, I think Miuccia Prada won't rest until she's convinced someone somewhere to spend a thousand dollars for a pair of shoes which look like sandals with socks. This is the third seaon she has shown this. It's possible she's trying to win a bet.

If you're feeling more follicularly whimsical, you can always go with the Stooge:

Or, the Starter Stooge:

The rule is simple; if you don't resemble a middle-aged man from the middle of the last century, you're so willfully weird looking that we might have to come after you with pitchforks and torches.

There's a motif this month, and it's "Women who cannot remember to dress from the waist up and have just learned this."

"I knew I felt breezier than usual!"

"Sweetheart, did you do the checklist like we talked about before we left the house?"

"Oh crap, let the red gloves, the sword and the tiger keep them from noticing I forgot to put on a shirt and had to cut off half of a mortuary curtain."

It's nice to see that even when everyone else is racing forward at breakneck speed in the fashion world, Versace is still designing for an underserved demographic; the third wives of Russian oligarchs.

Just before writing a cringingly large check to VOGUE for a full-page ad buy, an ad executive thought, "Overexposed film, unkempt dirty hair, contour blushing from the 80s, a wrinkled dress and the shoes (the product we're trying to sell) lost in the rocks. Someone's getting a bonus!"

Ad executive, we here at VOGUE approve of self-delusion (See: Muiccia and her love affair with socks and sandals), but we are sorry to say that you did unattractive in the wrong way. If you look outside your window, you will see the editors with torches racing up Madison Avenue.

This woman looks magnificent in this dress.

She is the only person on the planet who does. Everyone else will resemble a toilet brush. And what's with the scorching look from tuxedo guy? That isn't love or passion, that's "My eyes also work as lasers." You know who he should marry?

It's nice to think of them sharing creepy expressions for the centuries to come.

Last year at a fur farm, a mink gazed upwards and prayed "Please let me be killed, skinned, dyed bright blue, turned into Cookie Monster's shower shoes and then end up at Loehman's for 90% off, because not a single sober person would willingly wear these."

You're welcome, little mink.

Anyone want to guess what the woman below is selling?



That's right...


It's nice that VOGUE provides someone for the Russian oligarch's third wives to declare "A little tacky."

But what if you have to go to the Golden Globes days after having ACL surgery? Tom Ford has you covered.

But, unsnarkily, I would unblinkingly sell my soul to anyone who could get my hair to do that.

"You rang?"


Anonymous Megan Alton said...

Love. SO SO funny. Thank you.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Ah, how I've missed your fashion expertise. Might we soon be treated to your take on the latest Lilly Pulitzer catalog?

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to love Vogue. Used to.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Mark Moran said...

It's fun to watch you have this much fun.

4:36 AM  
Anonymous Amy G. said...

I'm thinking of all the places I can wear my pogo shoes after I get my combover perfected.

Thanks again, as always, for a thoughtful and helpful breakdown of Vogue. I'm wondering if I should just copy the looks in the pictures outright, or if it would be "too much" to do the pogo shoes with a lampshade dress? There is SO much to think about!!

5:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another BRILLIANT "Vogue" post! Thank you for brightening my Monday!



5:56 AM  
Blogger Leta said...

You know what would be great with those Sam Edelman shoes?


10:47 AM  
Anonymous Siobhan said...

I love the Vogue posts. You articulate what I vaguely think but can't properly express when I look at fashion magazines. I especially love the Russian oligarch's third wives. THAT'S IT, exactly!

2:53 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh my gosh. Awesome post.

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought some trashy fashion magazines for a long flight I took this past weekend (I love the looks on people's faces when they see what I'm reading). Each hideous picture made me think of your hilarious take on fashion and I almost laughed out loud at what I thought "What would Quinn say?" You rock.

4:11 PM  
Blogger StevenIre said...

Credo quia absurdum est. I believe because it is absurd.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I think you have to wear those gold power ranger boot-shoes (leg braces?) in order to get that hair. Like, the power of them radiates straight up to your head and then--poof!--your hair falls into that position.

Those blue fuzzy slippers (?) look like something from the "DON'T!" pages of other magazines. The whole thing is weird.

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a long standing tradition of designers trying to win the communal bet on who can come up with something so ridiculous/ugly/unflattering that it is anointed by Vogue as desirable. I believe it all started with Rudi Gernreich's topless monokini, the mantle was then picked up by Gauthier with the cone bras, and you know Issey Miyake's been in and out of the #1 spot a few times. Miuccia's just following a long line of people taking the piss out of haute couture and hoping Vogue does not get the joke.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are hilarious! I love your blog.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Lydia G said...

I love your fashion reviews! Too funny! I keep asking myself, "What were they thinking?!!

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just laughed so hard that I simultaneously snorted and coughed. I might have strained something.
I still look happier than any of the models...
And I frightened my dog. Thanks VOGUE!

3:10 PM  
Anonymous wow gold said...

Just what I needed, thanks a lot….

12:01 AM  

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