Low Hangin' Fruit
Once again, it is December. Once again, it is fruitcake-mocking season.
We fruitcake eaters, we band of rum-soaked brothers, would like you to know a few things:
1. If there are brightly colored fruits in there more suited to decorating the top of a child's Shirley Temple, it's a terrible fruitcake. Please do not blame the entire extended clan of liquor-soaked cake for that line. Do you malign William Faulkner and Eudora Welty because you've heard Honey Boo-Boo's mother mumble something? Would you never eat a ganache because a Twinkie turns your stomach? Do you refuse to watch "30 Rock" because of Stephen Baldwin?
2. I have actually heard people say "My aunt brought a fruitcake she got at the gas station." Well, yes, now that you mention it, you can buy things pretending to be fruitcakes in some weird places, and it's reasonable to speculate that faux-fruitcakes are often sold in places which sell medical supplies because the worst of them make excellent hemorrhoid cushions, but let us not judge where something ends up against its will.
3. Fruitcake has cultural legs. The original idea for the cake has existed in some form or another since Roman times. There is no continent save Anarctica which doesn't have some version of it. You know why? It's fruit soaked in alcohol baked into a cake. It's like a food-maze where every exit leads to sugar. You can eat a thumbnail-sized portion with a strong cup of black coffee or tea and coast on that artificial sense of well-being through four malls.
Say what you will, fruitcake-haters, but my people and I will have the last laugh.
And it will be 80 proof.
We fruitcake eaters, we band of rum-soaked brothers, would like you to know a few things:
1. If there are brightly colored fruits in there more suited to decorating the top of a child's Shirley Temple, it's a terrible fruitcake. Please do not blame the entire extended clan of liquor-soaked cake for that line. Do you malign William Faulkner and Eudora Welty because you've heard Honey Boo-Boo's mother mumble something? Would you never eat a ganache because a Twinkie turns your stomach? Do you refuse to watch "30 Rock" because of Stephen Baldwin?
2. I have actually heard people say "My aunt brought a fruitcake she got at the gas station." Well, yes, now that you mention it, you can buy things pretending to be fruitcakes in some weird places, and it's reasonable to speculate that faux-fruitcakes are often sold in places which sell medical supplies because the worst of them make excellent hemorrhoid cushions, but let us not judge where something ends up against its will.
3. Fruitcake has cultural legs. The original idea for the cake has existed in some form or another since Roman times. There is no continent save Anarctica which doesn't have some version of it. You know why? It's fruit soaked in alcohol baked into a cake. It's like a food-maze where every exit leads to sugar. You can eat a thumbnail-sized portion with a strong cup of black coffee or tea and coast on that artificial sense of well-being through four malls.
Say what you will, fruitcake-haters, but my people and I will have the last laugh.
And it will be 80 proof.
posted by Unknown at 9:51 PM
7 Comments:
I am high-fiving you across this great country of ours as a fellow fruitcake aficionada. A distinguished branch of my family hails from central Kentucky, home of grand horse farms and grander distilleries. Hence, the family fruitcake recipe would most certainly pass muster. More nuts than fruit, more liquor than most, and one of the best things about this time of year. The bourbon balls were a bite of heaven, too. Thanks for the hard liquor craving at 8:15am, Quinn! :)
Aw, love fruitcake here!
Didn't like it as a kid, but was persuaded to try it when I was older when I read Truman Capote's story of making fruitcake with his gran (aunt?) It just sounded so magical I *had* to give it another try.
Anonymously,
TimWarp
I guess I am in the minority, but I do like some fruitcakes. My favorite is the Collins Street cakes from Texas. They are large and pricey, so cant justify getting one just for me.
Sigh---
I've never tried fruitcake because the haters have scared me off...I think I will have to try it for myself before the season ends. It sounds so yummy when you put it this way!
I don't eat fruitcake, per se, but I do make figgy pudding every year, which is basically the same thing. That is figs, dates, dried cranberries and cherries soaked overnight in Grand Marnier, mixed with nuts in a spice sponge cake and steamed for hours. On Christmas Eve, we light brandy and pour it over the top and then serve it with a rum sauce.
Um...wait what were you saying about fruit cake...
I made a wonderful fruit cake for Christmas last year. I think I actually made it in October because it had to soak for 8 weeks. I am not kidding. I went all Martha Stewart on it and hand-diced the fancy dried fruits. There was not a neon tidbit to be found in it.
It was awesome except for one small thing. As it was a gag gift I went all out and baked it in what we shall call a 'novelty' cake pan shaped like the male anatomy. Did I mention we took the game "Dirty Santa" literally?
It just looked diseased.
It was the hit of the party.
(can't sign in on my phone: The Commentor Formerly Known as SusannahS)
The gas station comment reminded me of the "Jar Egg" blog.
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