Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I've Got to Hand it To Me

Dear Men of Power and Repute,

Did you note how I called you “Men”? This is because I know you are, each and every one of you, male. You are not female. With highly rare exceptions, you possess both an X and a Y chromosome. Your voice is probably, but not certainly, lower than mine. You have an Adam’s apple.

You have quite a few things because you are male. And lately I’ve become very concerned that some of you don’t think we women know this about you. Let me clear the air right now; there is no woman over the age of five who doesn’t know you have a penis. Barring some sort of fireworks incident we’re pretty certain it’s there, and we also understand you know it’s there. It probably looks much like other penises, but slightly different in its own way. It’s a special snowflake, your penis. You’re probably pleased with it. I see no reason why you shouldn’t be.

This does not mean I want to have it sent to me as a picture. There are quite a few things which give you delight that I don’t need to see. Let’s assume you really enjoy playing lacrosse. I’m happy for you. Seeing your lacrosse sticks won’t make me more interested in them if I don’t already want to play lacrosse. In fact, if you’re harping on the greatness of your lacrosse sticks I’m probably not going to want to play any game with you at all. You want to make the average woman over 25 dewy-eyed? Send a picture of you putting your children to bed without making a big production out of it.

This might be a failure of communication. Heterosexual men, I’ve been told, sometimes console themselves on bad days by thinking: Hey, you never know. Diane from HR might just walk into my office right now and take off her shirt. The chance that spontaneous nudity might happen cheers the average male psyche every time. The Internet knows this and is more than willing to provide such diversion. And being fundamentally generous, men of power and repute have decided to extend the favor to women they kind of know a little bit on the Internet. Maybe they’re thinking it would be great if someone extended that courtesy to their wives? No, men of power and repute probably aren’t quite that generous.

You remember your wife, right?

And then later these men are surprised when their munificent missives are (you should pardon the expression) exposed to public scrutiny and ridicule, and they are saddened because the picture of their penis was meant as a gift; meant to delight. It’s the penis of a person with power! It’s a power-penis! Only now it’s a punchline-penis. And it was all so avoidable.

Let me sum this up, because you are busy, powerful, reputable men. At least right now.

1. We know you’re male. We don’t need visual proof.

2. A woman isn't as excited by finding nudity in her in-box as she is by finding someone emptying the dishwasher while she has a glass of wine and watches “The Voice.”

3. The Internet is forever. Emails don’t just go away because you are powerful and reputable. Matter of fact, your photo-penis will travel further than a flight attendent.

4. You will be discovered because 9% of the American population is unemployed and has a great deal of spare time. If you’re in the government, fixing the unemployment statistic might be a little higher on your to-do list than sexting your new friends.

5. Even Silvio Berluscone hasn’t been caught sending pictures of his penis yet. Consider that you are now sleazier than the Prime Minister who gave us the phrase “Bunga Bunga party.”

6. Your power and your repute will be as nothing compared to the new fact that you dress left.


Hope this helps. No hard feelings...wait, scratch that.


Best,

American Women

34 Comments:

Anonymous Tracy said...

Don't you love it when you are able to say EVERYTHING that is on your mind without there being an "I shoulda said" moment? I think you covered it all!

9:34 PM  
Blogger Tammi Klusewitz said...

Very well said!

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Donna said...

Amen!

10:48 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

This is perfect!!

3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least now we know why everyone said that weiner was a stand-up guy.

Audrey

3:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Long before the Internet, men were doing this to women in parking lots and other public places. I'm sure there are still a few without Twitter accounts doing it the old-fashioned way but it's still called indecent exposure or flashing or something, done to shock not delight, I believe, and it's a crime. If he were some blue collar worker caught out in the world, he would have spent at least one night in jail.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Bravo, Quinn!

Isn't it sad that some men believe we admire their brains, so they send us photos of the organ they actually use in the thinking process?

Worse yet, it seems to be a prerequisite for men of politics these days. AND WE ELECT THEM???

GAH....

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And well said! I forgot to say because I get so annoyed at this topic! :) Thanks for another good read!

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Ten Words said...

Amazingly well-said.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Love #5. Though I feel like (sarcasm full steam ahead!) we need to cut him a bit of slack...I mean, his last name is Weiner, what was he supposed to DOOOO!!!???

8:42 AM  
Anonymous --Deb said...

Perfection! (And I don't even need photographic evidence, since I can read your perfection in your blog posts.)

8:53 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Perfect!

9:06 AM  
Blogger Shanna said...

AWESOME!! You rock it. Very well said.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

I wish more men read this blog!

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Lydia said...

I so enjoyed this, from the "snowflake" comment to the "dress left". I do believe you said it all and so well!!

4:19 PM  
Blogger Twisted Susan said...

I'm going to miss all the headlines like:
Wiener's Pickle
Wiener is Exposed
The Kink of Queens
But, there'll be somebody else next week.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

As in many aspects of society, there will be excess. The internet is an amazing tool, but the extreme use of it by sending photos of your tool, and then lying about it is a joke. It is unfortunate that the web has become an open field for people to post photos of their privates. Do we really need someone who is that stupid (ie: uses his own twitter account to post), holding court in a high ranking government office? Bravo, once again, Quinn. Bravo!

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've said it all for all of of X chromosome holders

3:38 AM  
Anonymous Robin Raven said...

Very well said. HILARIOUS and so sadly true.

4:18 AM  
OpenID sbsanny said...

You continue to delight! Reading your writing is like eating from your very own chocolate sampler. Pick one piece - savor it and then... swearing to stop soon - you find yourself reading another piece and another piece.. But I don't gain weight from reading your blog... You are a lifeline during a time of bad news, bad economics - and yes - bad boys!

11:11 AM  
Blogger The Write Girl said...

Perfect. Absolutely spot on.

And for the record, is anyone else so effing sick of hearing the word/name "Weiner" everywhere they go?

8:27 PM  
Anonymous joanne said...

One.Great.Post! Why do men feel the need to "show" their penises as if we dont know what one looks like? sad but true

11:51 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

Well said.
Too bad that no one learns from other peoples mistakes. But next week it will be someone elses what-not all over the internet.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I am a nurse and have seen enough penises to last a lifetime. I loved the fireworks accident visual-I might want to see that!

6:08 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

This post was perfect. Found you through Jennsylvania's blog. You are hysterical.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Yvonne A said...

Thank you so much for this. You have expressed my feelings exactly! And the snowflake comment nearly made me spit my coffee on the computer. What a great way to start the day.

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hear Hear! Well put!
Awesome Post!

1:45 PM  
Blogger Dr. Debra Holland said...

An excellent and funny post.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Sarah Milne said...

Gosh Dang-it, I AM WITH YOU ON THIS!!! What must their mothers think of them? I have had enough of these sleazy men that think bad behavior is normal and wives are accessories to be taken out only for boring and public events, enough already!

2:21 PM  
Blogger jemajo said...

agreed! great read.

12:53 AM  
Anonymous koopdedoo said...

OK, I read this last week (late, but life is busy). LOVED it. Really. Today, I clicked back through...I never caught the title before. I will be humming "Rosie" in my head for the rest of the day. Maybe a line will break through into conversation...

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Thresa Katz said...

Quinn Cummings, your June 7th post made me choke on my tea, in a really, really good way. Thank you for that. Because of that, I'm going to go buy your book now.
- T. Katz

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm the only man reading this, but I think you are wasting your breath. Its power these men are obsessed with, not their penis. That is why they seek positions of power, whether in politics or business. They are 'small' little men, many with a Napoleonic complex, and their penis posting is just an extension of that desire to show everyone their importance. So until there is a cure for the 'small man' complex, then there will be men showing you their 'small man'.

3:26 AM  
Blogger StevenIre said...

I know how not to speak when I can’t improve the silence. And by speaking I mean that a picture is worth a thousand words. So yeah I agree with all the others.

3:27 AM  

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