Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Got To Be Real

(It's a little different than what I usually write. I hope you like it.)

FROM: Head of Programming, Bravo
TO: Production, RHOLP
SUBJECT: Episode 2 rough cut.

We continue to be very pleased and excited about “The Real Housewives of Los Pulgas”. The houses look wonderful, the girls have great chemistry and none of their children are grossly overweight. Just a few notes on next week’s episode:

- Whoever thought to take the ladies to a vineyard and lock them in a tasting-room wins employee of the week. As a franchise, we’ve already done boats, limos, a Botox party, a tour bus and a disabled elevator. Now, think creatively. Where else can we trap them in a small room and get them drunk? Is there a logical way to get them in a sweat lodge? Maybe an armored car? At the last meeting, someone mentioned a group therapist with a liquor license. Please look into this.

- Nivea is turning out to be a real find. We can definitely do more with her in the editing room. For example, in her first scene, you cut after she says: “I don’t know why Beth is still so mad at me. She startled me on purpose at the wine-tasting and the gun just went off...” Let’s continue with,”... It was an accident. My God, it was a week ago already, move on!” Hold long enough to see her big eye-roll, THEN cut to last week’s shot of the ambulance pulling away.

- You were right. Starlene’s audition for the Puppies Do Pilates video turned out better than we expected, especially her little fit where she insists the Maltese needs more defined abs. However, in light of her sex tape hitting Perez next week, it starts getting a little awkward at 8:15 to 8:35. If you just tuned in, it’s not entirely clear why she’s massaging that Newfoundland’s quads. Cut it for now, we’ll put it back for the DVD.

- We love how Helaine is being protective of her sister Beth, and she certainly took our notes about keeping up the drama! But Legal insists we cut Helaine’s reference to Nivea having chlamydia of the eye. Legal also wants to fact-check that Nivea did, in fact, transport Mexican heroin and wild parrots in her ass. You can keep the part where she says Nivea used to date her own cousin and made him gay, but lose the rest of the voice-over about how she also dated Ryan Seacrest. It’s a rights issue.

- Keep Beth in long-shots for the next couple of episodes. The gunshot wound isn’t healing as neatly as we had hoped. The Focus Group said it’s starting to look like pizza and we’re talking with Stouffers about a billboard.

- We have the budget to re-shoot Sally-Kate’s confrontation with her ex-husband for better audio. We heard back from his agent/lawyer and he’s available but we still need to keep him 500 yards away from a school or playground.

- Small note: on the HD screener, when Starlene takes some of her “special Chinese herbal vitamins”, my assistant noticed you could read “Dilaudid” on the bottle. Please blur that.

- Don’t give away too much about Bravo’s favorite star-crossed lovers. Just a quick shot of Nivea crouched under Rockland’s hedge and drop in her audio from episode 1 about how they’re meant to be together. This way, we set up week five being all about the restraining order. I have to admit, everyone up here on the 18th floor is rooting for those crazy lovebirds. They’re huge on Twitter.

- We’re still planning to actually meet Helaine’s kids in episode four but Jen from Marketing has a question: Is it too late to change their names? It seems the Focus Group was unanimous that white kids shouldn’t have such black names. We can probably go with Clarque but see what you do with Cholique and Muhshawn. Maybe they have nick-names we can use for the duration. Get back to me on this ASAP.

- I understand the need to explain the sudden switch from the Maybach to the Toyota but the repo truck is a downer. Lose that.

- Speaking of wine, is it possible to get Helaine off the burgundy. My assistant thinks it’s not photographing well. Any flavor of white is fine.

- We have no problem with Sally-Kate saying: “I’ve prayed to God and he doesn’t like Nivea, either.” In fact, let’s use it in the promo, maybe over Sally-Kate threatening Nivea with her crucifix-tiara at the wine-tasting/bikini waxing. Just make sure to cut away before the crucifix actually breaks Nivea’s skin. Everybody has still-frame these days and Business Affairs didn’t get blood clearance for Nivea (they’re working on it now but it won’t be signed in time for this air date). Again, we can put it back for the DVD.

- BTW, if the crucifix-tiara is from Sally-Kate’s Jeweled for Jesus line, we get a product-placement credit on every one she sells. It’s in the agreement. Check with Larry in Merchandising.

Overall, it’s a great episode and we’re thrilled how the season is coming together. The final episode at the knife store promises to be a ratings monster! Did anyone check to see if the store would be okay serving wine?


Blogger Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Quinn, you slay me...
The Jewels for Jesus Line? Oh man..

and you're right, the repo truck is always a downer

Scary how spot on this is...


6:25 PM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

hahahahaha thanks for the needed laugh quinn

6:27 PM  
Blogger Sara J. Henry said...

I think you had WAY too much fun writing this! And it's funny even if you've never seen any Housewives show - which now I won't need to!

6:36 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I've never watched a single housewives of anywhere episode. Not even a Desperate Housewives one. But this was laugh out loud hilarious. How could you not have been successful as a sitcom writer? You are so spot on with tone and content. In any case, absolutely loved this post. Thanks so much for the laughs.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous Lee Ann Helvenston said...

'special Chinese herbal vitamins' indeed. QC, you are absolutely hilarious!! However, said vitamins are actually needed in order to sit through any episodes of these heinous television shows. Thanks for being right on target.

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

I've never watched any of the Real Wives episodes, but from what I've read you are dead on!
Too, too funny.

6:48 AM  
Anonymous joanr16 said...

Your next book: a satirical novel comprised of in-house memos, partial episode transcripts, Facebook wall posts and Tweets.

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Eggman said...

Happy Birthday Quinn!

1:32 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

I had to stifle my laughter so I didn't wake up the husband and the child but this was hilarious! By the way, I don't know what is so "real" about those housewives. I'm a housewife and I spend most of my day cleaning up baby vomit and trying to do my school work (going back to college, even online, with an infant is a bad idea). Not nearly as glamorous as TV makes it look.

1:39 AM  
Anonymous Beth Harbison said...

I want more of these!!!! Also? I would totally watch that show. But, admittedly, I kind of need a life...

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Catherine said...

That was so hilarious - keep it coming!

5:38 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Hilarious, but just barely satire. I fully expect to see this on Bravo next year.

I hope you get creator credits.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Dawn Maria said...

If you stop blogging to go work for Bravo, I'm not gonna be happy!

5:28 PM  

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