Let us now praise famous men.

You know what’s nice about catastrophic system failure in your computer? I mean, besides paying the repair guy what you had earmarked for your daughter's wedding? It was all the brooding time I now had. All that time I had been spending on political websites or trying to remember my password for online bill payment or skimming through the J.Crew online catalog could now be spent focusing on the only subject which truly matters: why don’t I know any famous writers?

In my childish innocence of late February I thought I would hand in a manuscript, perhaps a few angels would get their wings, and all would be peace, harmony and promiscuous Nutella abuse until I got my rewrite notes. What I got instead, four days before the manuscript was due, was an email from the marketing department wanting to discuss blurbs, those choice bits of praise written by famous writers that adorn the covers of most books.

From scientific types, I have heard it said that a chicken is nothing more than an egg’s way of making another egg. In this vein, the marketing department of a large publishing house views books as those things writers create on which to place blurbs. The blurb's the thing. Heaven help the writer who doesn’t understand that a successful career will culminate in an obituary which reads: “Famous blurb-getter dies at 98”. I have read blurbs in my life and I am going to assume a favorable word or two from a writer I like has been known to make me pick up a book and flip through a few of its pages, so I read the email in the spirit of someone eager to help in her own modest way, and even more eager to avoid writing her book for a few minutes. Because, after all, how long could this take?

The blurb-questionnaire ran eight pages, single-spaced. Each question was a stomach and ego-shrinking exercise in my finding new ways to say “Uh, no…”

Did I know any famous writers who would like a pre-publishing draft of the book for blurbing?

Uh, no…

Did I know anyone who knew famous writers who would like a pre-publishing draft of the book for blurbing?

Uh, no…

Did I belong to any organizations with name recognition that might have a spokesman who would like a pre-publishing draft of the book for blurbing?

Nope.

Was I now or had I ever been a member of the Communist Party? If so, would they like a pre-publishing draft of the book for blurbing?

One half of me was toying with just scrawling “NO!” across all the pages in my own blood and the other half of me was dismayed. Wasn’t this supposed to be the marketing department’s job? I mean, they had insurance and desks and when someone from their hometown asked them what they did for a living I’m guessing they said something like “I market books.” So please tell me why I was the point-person on this blurb business?

My agent explained that those people whose names on blurbs actually cause people to pick up the book are a rare breed. They get asked for blurbs daily. I read somewhere that in the world, 3000 books are published every single day. That’s a lot of marketing mavens, sending out pre-publishing drafts. Their attitude is even as tenuous a connection as “Our writer, Quinn Cummings, thinks fondly of the lively conversation she had with your client when they were both waiting for ointment at the pharmacy” might make me stand out from the herd of supplicants. Whatever I could do to help would benefit all of us.

I thrashed. I dithered. I tried to remember the name of that guy at the gym who someone said was a famous writer, then remembered he was famous for writing porn and our audiences rarely overlap, as it were. The marketing people nagged. I had to get this in so they could start doing their jobs which, apparently, had to be done at the same time as I was rewriting -- something about having my blurbers ready if not eager when the manuscript was finally finished. With hours to spare, I banged out my responses. It’s possible I didn’t take the questionnaire in the spirit it was intended. I'll include some of my answers here so you can decide for yourself.



Please list any other books you have written, with publisher, publication date, and type of book.

None. Not a single one. If it helps I have some pithy “To-Do” lists you might like.


Are you a regular contributor to any magazines or newspapers? Has any article/story of yours attracted particular attention?

Newspapers? Magazines? You mean, like someone paid me? Heavens, no.


On a separate sheet, please list any reviewers, columnists or broadcasters that you know to be particularly interested in your work. Check any person that you know personally and please provide addresses where you can.

Not only does this not need a separate sheet, it barely requires an ATM slip. I am a shut-in. None of the above to offer you. My dog groomer has been asking when the book comes out, if that tempts you.


What are your hometown newspapers?

Los Angeles Times. That’s it. We have only one newspaper. That’s okay because no one in Los Angeles actually reads anything but script coverage and InStyle magazine.


Did the book involve any special research?

No. I tried to justify a trip to Italy but a book about how I am a complete idiot didn’t require research at the Villa D'Este. Unless you want a chapter about how happy a complete idiot can be, given enough money.

Principle cities/countries you have lived in (please include dates):

Until I was thirty I never lived further than three miles from the house in which I grew up in Los Angeles. Then three months in San Francisco. And then back to Los Angeles. As you can see, I lack imagination.

Please list any “opinion makers” in your field who should be sent copies of the bound book for word-of-mouth purposes. Please provide addresses where you can.

Well, this is depressing. Not only don’t I know any opinion-makers, I’m not sure I have a field.

I think I’m going to die without a blurb, but at least I entertained myself. Ooh, a blurb!

Quinn Cummings entertains me.- Quinn Cummings