Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Here I am at Camp Grenada

I’ve read about every camp option in Southern California, and I have noticed a couple of things. First of all, camp brochure writers are crazy for exclamation points! It’s as if they worry we might not understand their camp is fun unless they’re yelling it at us! Second, I am convinced they are all using the same picture of three children, carefully chosen for diversity and attractiveness, smiling blissfully and holding up a frog. It can be a computer camp located in the basement of the engineering department of the local college, but there are those kids and that darn frog.

In case you haven’t gotten around to finding the right camp yet, here are some of your options:

Camp Utopia - Now in our 75th year, Camp Utopia provides the ideal environment for children to grow into young adults and future leaders. Our activities include archery, horseback riding, swimming in our very own lake, toasting marshmallows while singing under a starry sky, and making memories to last a lifetime!

Some former campers have called Utopia “The finest hours of my childhood” and “The place that taught me how to be a person of honor and integrity.” All of our camp counselors have their Masters degrees in Children’s Development, and our Camp Leader, Mr. Robby, received a Presidential Commendation for his work with children!

Camp Utopia is currently accepting applications for the wait-list for the week of August 20-24, 2012. Siblings and children of former Utopians and US Senators will receive first priority.

Camp Academia - It’s summertime, and the living is easy…for losers! We here at Camp Academia know that a month not spent boning-up on standardized testing skills is a month other kids move ahead of your child. We will make sure your 5-to-13 year-old spends a productive day memorizing prime numbers. practicing Latin declensions, crafting the perfect essay and perfecting the Periodic table!

But it’s not all #2 pencils here at Camp Academia. Each afternoon, campers have an hour of Yoga for Stress Management and Excellence; our cafeteria serves only high-Omega 3, 6 and 9 foods; and each week ends with a camp-wide game of Junior Jeopardy. Camp tradition says the first child eliminated has to wear a t-shirt printed with “I’m on my way to Community College”. Our kids are wise and wacky!

Camp Academia has a few spots left for the most motivated students. Please note on the application whether your child is prone to nervous tics, uncontrolled weeping or stress vomiting.

Camp Exhaustia - Does the thought of having the kids around the house all summer make you crazy? Let us help! From 9-3 every day, we will have your child run up and down sand dunes holding weights. At lunchtime, we challenge campers to eat their lunches while doing push-ups: good exercise and good coordination!

For a small additional fee, we have before-camp and after-camp programs where your child will learn teamwork by helping excavate a swimming pool for the campgrounds, by hand! If you think your child needs even more goal-oriented physical activity, this summer we are offering a special program: Camp Persona Non Grata, where we will pick up your child directly from his last day of school and take him to work on a logging operation in Oregon until the Sunday before Labor Day. Our lucky campers spend all day, every day, in the forest, hauling cut trees over to our very own sawmill. Nature meets noisy machinery, the kids have a ball!

For a small additional fee, we can keep them through Labor Day weekend and take them directly to the first day of school.

When applying, please attach a copy of the child’s Ritalin prescription (we like to pair roommates of similar dosages).

Camp Diva - Does your six year-old demand Turandot on the way to school? Does your fifth-grade son feel left out when no one wants to go with him to the Kirov Ballet? Camp Diva is a loving, nurturing environment for the artistic temperament, ages 5-13. No class begins before 10 a.m., and we always have fresh espresso ready! We offer such classes as The Oevre of Harvey Fierstein, The History of the Phallus in Dance, Sondheim for Second-Graders and Tantrum as Performance Art.

This year we will be doing a full production of “Rent”, with our returning camper Brian Abromowitz starring in the role of Mimi. But new campers needn’t fret, because we’re going to need lots of great singers and actors to play colorful junkies and homeless people!

We offer food options for vegetarians, vegans, lactose-intolerant, glucose-sensitive, and the recovering eating-disordered.

Please include a portfolio of your child’s work along with your application. Videotapes will be acceptable for dancers, actors and singers, but please also include recent reviews.


After weighing all the options, here is the camp Daughter will be attending:

Camp Casa- Since 2005, Camp Casa has been giving one very special child the kind of one-on-one attention she just won’t get anywhere else. She’ll feel a sense of accomplishment when she empties the dryer for the very first time. She’ll learn science by classifying all the spiders she finds in her backyard playhouse. She’ll take private cooking lessons and learn the traditional Camp Casa breakfast: Cereal-eaten-without-needing-to-wake-Mother-up.

Afternoon field trips will include the beach (for no additional fee, she will learn to operate a Dustbuster and remove sand from the back seat), the park, the museum, her Aunt and Uncle’s pool and Trader Joe’s.

The camp is full. No more applications are being taken at this time.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Amy said...

Brilliantly funny! The "Camp Utopia" bit reminded me of Lolita's description of her summer at camp.

BTW, loved you on FAMILY...

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Kate said...

OK, the description of Camp Exhaustia is hysterical...Wish I could send the neighbor's children there.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Quinn Cummings said...

Compulsory camp for the irritating...I like it.

7:32 PM  

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