Monday, May 23, 2005

Centerfold.

Am I the only person who simultaneously reads a magazine and imagines herself being interviewed for that magazine? The front of my brain is dutifully taking in the pre-digested facts about some actress who plays The Other Girl in an upcoming movie, or the travails of redesigning a Gramercy Park duplex. The back of my brain is making magazine movies, starring…me.

Me, inserted into Town and Country:

“…We’re a very down-to-earth couple,” said Quinn, draping herself against the elk leather hand-worked couch at her weekend house in Aspen. “It’s really about spending time together, whether it’s here, or the townhouse in London for Christmas, or in the Gulfstream V. We’re the same people whether we’re in Mustique or Manhattan. ”

Quinn and Consort (whose ancestor, Benjamin Randolph Consort, invented ham) are best known for their anonymous acts of charity, their charming and lovely Daughter who is currently attending boarding pre-school in Gstaad, and their fabulous personal style. When asked about how she chooses the clothing which has kept her on the Best-Dressed List for seven years running, Quinn lets out a musical laugh.

“I never really think about it, I’m simply hopeless,” she admits, toying absently with a Faberge egg.

“I just have the loveliest friends who take care of me. We were at Karl’s house for the weekend and I completely forgot to bring workout clothes. So, in no more than an hour, he whipped up a Chanel suit for me which also wicks away moisture. I wore it for working out, and since I was running late to dinner with the Duchess of Alba, I just popped on this fun family tiara I had remembrerd to put in the luggage. Somehow, it all just worked.”

Me, inserted into Vanity Fair:

Quinn raced up the Malibu coastline on her lipstick-red Ducatti, her helmet giving her the distance and anonymity she has craved over the last year. After being in the highest-grossing movie since Spiderman II, writing a critically acclaimed and staggeringly popular novel based on her life and being, she says, wrongfully accused of breaking up four Hollywood marriages, sometimes she just wants a little peace and quiet.

“I’m an intensely shy person,” Quinn says, leading me through the security gate on the compound, the sounds of the ocean blending with the whinnying from her dressage horses. “I’m just at this point in my life where everyone can’t seem to stop looking at me”.

She tosses her dark hair and narrows her fabled green eyes at me -- in her biking leathers, she looks easily ten years younger than she is.

“She is captivating,” says good friend George Clooney.

I asked Quinn about the rumor that she had broken up with Clooney because he was too possessive, and had been pressuring her to set a wedding date. She grows pensive.

“He’s a good man. Somewhere out there is a woman who wants marriage and kids as much as he does” she says after a minute.

“I just need my freedom”.

Me, inserted into O, The Oprah Magazine:

It was in the late spring when Quinn first bought home the fateful cream. The bottle said it was for very dry skin. “It certainly felt rich and oily enough when I applied it every night before going to bed,” she recalled. But, one night, her partner reached over to get some for his elbows.

“Careful,” she warned him. “That stuff takes forever to absorb.”

As he looked at the bottle his brows furrowed. “This says ‘Body Wash’,” he said, the concern rising in his voice. “This isn’t hand cream. I think it’s…soap!”.

She grabbed the bottle and looked at it closely. There, in slightly smaller letters, it said 'Body Wash'. How could she have missed this? She vowed then and there never to let another woman suffer the potentially life-affecting Cream Confusion. True to her promise, Quinn has spent the last year testifying in Washington about mandatory labeling laws and raising money for CC awareness.

“We’re pushing a law through congress where SOAP or LOTION would be printed in boldface on all sides and the top of every bottle,” she says with a justifiable note of pride. Her organization has also set up a recovery house for women (this primarily affects women) who are still learning to trust again after going out in public with liquid soap caked on their arms and legs.

“I would not have chosen this path, but it has chosen me, and every day I get into the shower and know which bottle to use, I thank God for all that I have learned this year.”

Me, inserted into PC World:

“…When you right-click a non-HTML file, you will be asked whether you want to auto-open the plug-in or disable the cookie. In either case, the Windows™ Registry will auto-archive the previous settings and you’ll lose a critical file from three weeks ago, unless you remembered to set your Norton Retro-Virus on stun…” Cummings muttered to no one in particular.


There are probably some magazines which don’t deserve me.


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5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have completely ruined these magazines for me...THANK YOU!!!

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Found this from a mention in Newsweek. Loved you in 'GoodBye Girl' Do you get tired of hearing that after all these years?

5:17 PM  
Blogger Quinn Cummings said...

Get tired of hearing that something I was involved with made someone happy?
No, not tired of that.
Thanks.

5:31 PM  
Anonymous Brian said...

What, no Soldier of Fortune?

9:05 AM  
Blogger Quinn Cummings said...

No, camo makes me look puffy.

9:59 AM  

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