Wilkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome.

It didn’t come as a complete surprise. My mom had left me an email today to the effect of “Hey, ‘The Goodbye Girl’ is playing on cable. I guess you should be expecting a residual check. Try not to spend the whole thirty-one cents in one place.” Knowing that the movie showing somewhere on cable has sent my blog-audience upwards in past, I idly checked Hit Counter or, as I refer to it: The outer manifestation of my inner worth. Oh, how worthy I was. As of a few minutes ago I have had about eleven times as many visitors today as I usually do on a Sunday. I blame rainstorms in the Southeast, daylight savings time and a bunch of people pulling out their tax paperwork, spending twenty minutes on it and flipping on the television to get the taste of itemized deductions out of their mouths.

So, for those of you who are new here, welcome to my blog. Had I known the movie was going to be playing I’d have cleaned up, put out some snacks, found the source of the weird odor. But please, make yourself comfortable. I’ll try to answer your questions. I have always sworn I wouldn’t do the blog about the search terms which have led people to my blog because, really, everyone has done it and nearly everyone has done it better. Then again, I see a few in here that I can answer reasonably well. And, yes, these are actual queries that showed up on Hit Counter.

“Quinn Cummings dead?” No. Your first clue that I’m alive is that dead people hardly ever write blogs. Then again, maybe I’m some person only pretending to be Quinn Cummings, which I think would show a remarkable lack of ambition. Personally, if I were going to pretend to be any former child actor who annoyed a percentage of the population, I’d pretend to be Robbie Rist, who played Cousin Oliver in the last years of The Brady Bunch. But I’m really me and I’m not dead. The greenish-yellow tinge to my skin is just a by-product of caffeine consumption.

“Quinn Cummings gay?” I wear flat shoes, I have no talent with eye-liner, I really like the Indigo Girls, and yet I am not a lesbian.

“Quinn Cummings divorced?” I am not divorced, neither from a man nor from a woman. I did, however, once have a tabby cat that left me and moved in with the family next door because he hated me so much. There wasn’t much property to divide, thank heaven.

“Quinn Cummings naked pictures” No. Not when I was young, not now, and not ever unless I am cited in the Journal of Unexplained Bruises. Even then, I will demand one of those black bars over my eyes and a kicky pageboy wig.

“Quinn Cummings worst child actor ever” That seems less like a search term and more like someone hoping to find a chat group of like-minded individuals. I can’t imagine there’s much to say to one another after you all agree that I’m the worst child actor ever. Maybe you could exchange recipes.

“Quinn Cummings blog” Again, welcome! Here’s the blog. Here are the regular characters: There’s me. There’s Consort, my stylish and occasionally absent-minded better half. There’s Daughter, who gracefully accepts that I will sometimes write about her. There’s the dog, who is quite handsome when he’s not filthy. There’s the cat, who used to be known as Lulabelle until we found out that someone popped a cap in her ass and is now known as Lupac. The house occasionally makes a guest-appearance, mostly as a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever romanticized fixing up an old house.

"Whatever happened to Quinn Cummings?" I've wondered that myself quite a bit. As far as I can tell, mostly salt-retention.

“Quinn Cummings blog about?” I think what you’re asking is what my blog is about. Am I one of those people who have chosen to document making every food referenced in the Bible? Am I knitting sweaters for a chilly segment of some beleagured population and following my progress? No, I am not. My blog is about very little. I have a nearly eidetic memory for when I’ve made an idiot out of myself in public and writing about it seems to fulfill some need. Also, I like to write about toast. *

“Quinn Cummings book?” Thank you for asking. It’s called “Notes from the Underwire” and it will be out on July 7th. I’m very excited and I plan to never read a single review so that I can keep this level of happiness.

“Quinn Cummings stupid?” I prefer differently abled.

In sum, I am not dead, I am heterosexual, I have spawned and I sometimes insult little people. I hope this answers your questions. Come again soon!

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[* More than I realized. Type "toast" in the Search Blog box up there in the top-left corner.]