That's Entertainment

Apparently, it isn’t enough to be one of the HUNDRED TOP CHILD STARS (It really would sound better if I had a voice-over guy doing that), you must have an opinion on the other TOP CHILD STARS, and be prepared to have some nifty little sound bite than can be used in their segment (It’s not enough to see Molly Ringwald; you’re just dying to know Quinn’s opinions on her oeuvre). Before the interview, the production people sent me a list of the other 99, and asked for me to have something ready on 30 of them. I scanned the list, and my heart sank. It went something like this:

I hadn’t heard of 30% of them,
I had watched 20% of the other shows or movies, but didn’t remember a child in them,
I had dim recollections of about 10% having some catchphrase like “Not with my shoes, you don’t!”, but had nothing to say beyond that, and
I have all sorts of opinions about the final 40%, and have no intention of recording them for posterity.

I’m not a nice person, but I am a fair one, and I don’t see where saying exactly how I feel about children (even former children)that I don't know benefits any one. And what am I supposed to talk about? It’s not like we’re discussing their stirring interpretation of Chekhov. These were, for the most part, small children parroting lines written by men who worked incredibly long hours and saw their own children only when asleep or on custodial weekends. What most child actors do isn’t acting, it’s mimicry of what an adult thinks that other adults would find funny coming out of the mouth of a child.

This is not to say that I am whining about how I hated being an actor. I loved it, mostly because on a set I could act like the fully-formed, albeit short, adult that I knew I was. I did, however, see a lot of kids doing this who were clearly living something out for their parents. But guess what? I could have been in gymnastics, debate club, or (shuddering slightly) beauty pageants, and have seen the same parental abuse. The fact that there is money stuck to acting just brings out more bottom-feeders. And the money can end up creating a seriously strange dynamic where the smallest person in the house is painfully aware that his series needs to get picked up, because Mommy really likes the new BMW 7 series.

For those people who read People, and care about such things, here is a clue that the personal situation of your favorite child actor might be a little off; the parent is described as the manager. That is a nice public way of saying that the parent is taking at least 15% of the salary of the child. Maybe more-the laws protecting a child actor’s income aren’t filled with loopholes so much as one big loophole. The original law, which was created after a child actor had virtually all of his money siphoned off by his folks, only protects a small percentage of income from long-term contract deals. Movies, series, and the like. I have known of children who made six figures from commercials, and the parents could have spent every dime on lap dances and private sessions with Dr. Phil. Or, lap dances from Dr. Phil. In my situation, my mother viewed my earnings as sacrosanct,and never touched a penny. She kept a job that didn’t involve following me around telling me that my hair looked like hell. I mean, she did, but it was pro bono work.

So, tomorrow, when I am interviewed, I will talk about the people that I knew, all five of them. I’ll say something nice, because I actually did like them.